


When the Road to Recovery is too Long

by Tsuki_Amano



Series: 365 Stucky Shots [22]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Hydra, M/M, Steve Needs a Hug, bucky is still recovering, mentions of pre-serum steve rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2015-11-12
Packaged: 2018-05-01 07:44:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5197871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsuki_Amano/pseuds/Tsuki_Amano
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s a coldness that’s settled deep in his bones. </p><p>And there’s nothing that Steve can do to make it go away, no matter how hard he tries, he can’t escape the rattling ice that clogs his breath and sinks its claws into his soul.</p><p>Sometimes, Steve finds adjusting to his changed life harder than he expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When the Road to Recovery is too Long

**Author's Note:**

> *This is almost pure introspective angst*  
> Also although the Stucky angst is not explicit in this fic, it is implied.

_There’s a coldness that’s settled deep in his bones._

_And Steve’s come to the aching realization that there’s nothing that he can do to dispel the frost that’s slowly leaching away his soul._

When he sees Bucky again, he feels like his chest is on fire. For a few minutes, the ice vanishes and Steve can breathe. He doesn’t feel cold and every breath he takes doesn’t rattle in his chest.

But then Bucky stares at him, with those _cold, cold_ eyes ( _those were not Bucky’s eyes. Bucky’s eyes had always reminded him of the Barnes’ family fireplace during the winter, and his Ma’s own hot chocolate_ ). “Who the hell is Bucky?” this stranger asks, and the fire vanishes.

As tendrils of ice pierce his heart, Steve actually gasps in pain.

But then Bucky moves in with them, into Stark Tower and for a few days, Steve allows himself to imagine that the ice will thaw out.

“It’s not going to be easy,” Sam had warned, “Whether you like it or not, that’s not Bucky. At least, that’s not the same Bucky you knew. You’ve got to come to terms with it Steve, but there’s a good chance that your Bucky is gone for good.”

Steve rubs his hands together out of habit.

Sam looks at him confusedly, “Are you cold?”

Distracted by his own thoughts, he mutters, “What? Oh right, a bit I guess.”

He’s pulled out of his thoughts when Sam’s hand lands on his forehead. “You don’t feel like you have a fever. But then again, I don’t know how the serum has affected you, maybe you should get Banner to take a look at it?”

He’s confused, what is Sam talking about? His consternation must show on his face, because Sam replies, “Pal, it’s above 90oC. It’s like the Sahara desert out here. If you’re feeling cold, you’re either sick or getting a heatstroke, neither of which are good things.”

Laughing bitterly, Steve rakes his hands through his hair, and huh he’s sweating. He didn’t even notice that, he’s covered in a cold sweat. “I’m fine,” he says, fixing his famous smile on his face. How does he explain to Sam that he hasn’t felt warm in over seven decades?

“Rogers, as one of your closest friends, let me tell you that to anyone who actually knows you, that smile fools absolutely no one. It’s ok if you don’t want to talk about it, but just make sure to give me a heads up if you start seeing dark spots or something alright?”

Sam’s tone is light but Steve can hear the underlying concern. He smiles, a real smile which is rusty and worn out with disuse, letting the corners of his mouth turn up, “Don’t worry, it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“While I don’t doubt that for a minute, here’s the thing, you don’t have to handle it alone.”

Steve lifts one shoulder half-heartedly. He doesn’t know how to explain it.

Thankfully, Sam lets it drop and they walk into a nearby bakery, with Sam steering the conversation towards misleadingly mundane topics. But he doesn’t miss the way Sam does a double take when Steve orders a steaming hot coffee.

It’s not that Steve isn’t happy to have Bucky back, even if it’s not _his_ Bucky. Because he is, at least he knows now that Bucky is safe with them and for the first time in so long, he isn’t losing sleep wondering about his friend being dead or worse. Because now, Bucky’s on the path to recovery and Steve won’t allow anything to stop Bucky from getting help.

Except, when Steve walks into the kitchen and sees the rest of the Tower residents getting on with their lives, he feels like he’s watching a picture in the old movie theatre down the alley. Where everything in the movie is bright and colourful and so much more beautiful than his own life. Where Steve is nothing more than an outsider, peering into scenes that he can’t be a part of.

They try to include him, but there’s only so much they can do. Bucky’s adapting too, but like Sam said, it’s not his Bucky. Some days, Steve wants to torture HYDRA, because it’s so unfair.

Because of all the memories that Bucky has yet to recover, he hasn’t found his memories of Steve, of Brooklyn, of who Bucky Barnes was. He doesn’t remember the handsome kid with the cocky smirk and too bright eyes that could charm the skirt of any dame who caught his eye. He doesn’t remember the ramshackle flat that he shared with Steve, all the sleepless nights they had trying to make ends meet or keep Steve alive.

It would have been a major liability if the _Winter Soldier_ had even the faintest recollection of _Captain America_ after all, he had been programmed to make sure he didn’t. His mission was to get rid of one of HYDRA’s biggest threats, and he couldn’t do that if he hesitated. No, HYDRA had been thorough in getting rid of every last trace of little Stevie Rogers.

But Bucky was remembering other things.

He could remember some of his other missions. He could remember Howard and Maria Stark. And that had created tension between him and Tony Stark. Although Tony had long since forgiven Bucky for it, he still couldn’t be in the same room as the ex-assassin for extended periods of time and holding conversations with the man was next to impossible.

Bucky remembered Natasha and the Red Room. Perhaps the only person that he was even remotely close to in the building was Natasha. Although he and the Black Widow didn’t have the best history, they had overcome it and Natasha had taken him under his wing. Steve had lost count of the number of times that he had come back to the Tower to find the pair huddled together, chattering away in Russian.

He tried his best to force away the feelings of jealousy that made his coffee feel just a little bit less sweet.

But it’s hard, especially when Bucky apologizes to him for it.

Steve’s back from a brutal session at the gym and he’s shocked to find Bucky in his room. While Bucky didn’t avoid him exactly, he also didn’t go out of his way to come visit. When Bucky catches sight of Steve in the doorway, he stares at him like a deer caught in headlights.

Clearing his throat, Steve prompts him gently, “Everything ok Bucky?”

He jolts out of his trance and wrings his hands together, an unconscious nervous gesture that pinches Steve’s heart, because his Bucky did that too. Bucky had always worn his heart on his sleeve.

“I, uh…I wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

For a second, Steve’s mind goes into overdrive. The implications of that statement, given the fact that Bucky had only recently tried to kill him are frankly quite terrifying. But as far as he can see, Bucky, is for the most part unarmed. He doesn’t let the lack of clearly visible weapons phase him. He isn’t stupid, he knows from experience that Bucky is fully armed at all times.

“What are you sorry for?” he asks, bewildered.

“That I don’t remember you. I know, that who I used to be, he was very important to you, and I’m sorry that I can’t be that person, not anymore.”

There’s something about the bluntness of his tone and the way he says it that causes Steve to break just a little. With a creeping feeling of horror, he notices the wetness that’s collecting near his the corners of his eyes.

Crinkling his eyes, he forces a wide smile onto his face and replies, “It’s fine. It’s not your fault.”

Bucky doesn’t look fooled. “Steve…”

“Really, Bucky _, it’s fine_. Anyway, thank you for coming to see me about that, but I’m really tired and I think I’m about to collapse right now.” He’s not proud of how sharp his voice is. Nor is he proud of how, within a few minutes of Bucky’s departure, he rushes into the showers and switches it onto its highest temperature. He doesn’t know how long he stays in there, he leaves when he feels his skin actually start to burn and by then, he can’t see his own nose in front of his face with how much steam there is.

But the scalding water was a nice change from the cold.

Bucky comes with him to visit Peggy one day. He’s not sure how good of an idea it is, nor if he’s willing to let Bucky see Peggy. Peggy has remained his one constant these days and he’s not sure if he’s comfortable of sharing her with anyone else. But he concedes to Natasha’s arguments that it would be good for Bucky and might help jog his memories.

Inwardly he scoffs, he’s not sure how this will work. Even if Peggy is lucid, she looks nothing like she did all those years ago. How will Bucky remember a woman he’s barely met?

His suspicions are confirmed when they sit at her bedside. It’s a good day for her, she remembers Steve and holds his hand tightly in her own frail one. She’s surprised when she sees Bucky, glancing once sharply at Steve, before turning a slightly tighter smile back at Bucky. But it’s clear that he doesn’t remember her.

He sits awkwardly at the side while Peggy and Steve talk and about half an hour in, he gets up and announces he’s going for a walk.

When he’s gone, Peggy turns to Steve. He’s struck by the wisdom that lies behind all the frailty on her face. “How’s Bucky these days?”

Her meaning is clear, **_has he remembered you?_**

His silence speaks volumes.

“ _Oh, Steve._ ” She pulls him into a hug and he breaks down, shivering violently.

“It’s just so cold Peggy.”

“I’m so sorry Steve,” she whispers. She holds him, till Bucky comes back and pauses, taking in the scene in front of him.

They take their leave soon after.

While they’re walking back, Bucky asks uncomfortably, “Are you ok?”

And Steve just can’t deal with this now, he just can’t. He laughs wetly and says, “Probably not, but it doesn’t matter does it?”

He rubs at the dull ache in his chest and ignores the look of surprise on Bucky’s face.

About a week later, he isn’t too surprised when Sam pays him a visit. Sam sits on the table next to the bed where he’s been lying down for the past seven hours and scrawling across an old sketchbook. Sam just looks at him and Steve keeps sketching.

Eventually he looks up at Sam and says pleasantly, “So, when did Bucky come to see you?”

One of the things that Steve likes about Sam is that he’s blunt about things, he doesn’t try to hide the truth from Steve. 

“Yesterday. He seemed pretty worried about you.”

“I’m…”

“If you say you’re fine, God help me, I will play ‘ ** _Star-Spangled Man with a Plan_** ’ on repeat for a good hour.”

“Fine,” he says, slamming his sketchbook shut, “I’m not alright.”

He’s tired and he’s cold. Because today’s been a bad day, and all he wants to do was stay in bed forever and allow himself to warm up. But he knows that no matter how hard he tries, that won’t happen, which frustrates him.

And now Sam’s here, and it frustrates him even more, because there’s nothing that he can do. In some irrational part of his brain, he’s even slightly angry at Sam, because he imagines that Sam’s sucking all the heat of the room and he feels even colder than before.

Besides, how does he explain what’s wrong with him to Sam. It doesn’t make sense, even to him. There’s only one thing that Steve knows.

_There’s a coldness that’s settled deep in his bones._

_And there’s nothing that Steve can do to make it go away, no matter how hard he tries, he can’t escape the rattling ice that clogs his breath and sinks its claws into his soul._

 

* * *

 

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**Author's Note:**

> It turns out, a masters course is really demanding! I've been running on three hours of sleep for the last few weeks and haven't really had the inclination to write stories as a result of all the stress. This story is largely the product of all my dark thoughts over the last few weeks.
> 
> One of my headcanons that I have of Steve is that, it would have been terrible for him to wake up to find that his world had disappeared and when Bucky appeared, he would have been torn when he found out that Bucky didn't remember him.
> 
> I also really like Peggy. She is probably my favorite female Marvel character and one of the only women I ship Steve with.
> 
> I might write a happier sequel to this, because Steve Rogers really deserves a happy ending.


End file.
